I sat alone in a corner at Costa Coffee feeling every day of my thirty-four years. I arrived for a coffee and sat to read my book, occasionally I’m bothered by my nagging boyfriend’s texts, Tom wants to talk further about our relationship and how his so say mistake over the weekend will never happen again, ha he must think I’m a gullible idiot. I had moved in with my boyfriend a little soon but felt that I had to move out of my mum’s house as she had a new bloke, Chris who seemed like a decent person, and it felt a little weird now he had moved in, especially as they didn’t hold back on the night time bedroom noises, and after all I need to get on with my own life, and had been seeing Tom for almost ten months at that point.
I stayed on my boat after what had happened this weekend; which is in Bristol docks, it took 5 years to get my boat a place in the harbour and I do love my boat, it provides me with freedom and an escape from life when things get a little difficult to handle, as they obviously did this weekend, Although I do have to say it is so cold at this time of year, and I spent a lot of time around the wood stove falling asleep by it a couple of times, strange but it was a happy experience feeling comforted by the flickering flames. I had stayed in on Friday night as my job as a care worker does not pay much and I can barely meet the bills as it is. My boyfriend is not very understanding and often says things like ‘Sarah get a better job you’re wasting yourself’, but I love my work and I know I am good at helping people. Tom is a manager at a local restaurant and we recently rented a house together, but things had not been going the way I had expected. He goes out a lot more since we moved in together, and when he came home at 4am on Saturday morning he had a smell of perfume about him and glitter on his coat, I mean he might as well have come home with the girl he had quite clearly been snogging with, (and that’s the least that may have gone on!) although I guess even he isn’t quite that deranged that he thinks he could pull that one of.
To be honest I feel a complete fool trusting this absolute arsehole in the first place, I’m sure I’ve seen him looking at other women before, but oh no typical me again trying to pretend everything is alright because I fell in love with yet another loser. I decided to look at my finances and I found that the house rent and utility bills were possible but this would be a real push, costs of the boat were possible with money to spare, but no way could I have both. The boat is a 50-foot style out of service old lifeboat called the Stranraer 1, which had saved more than 170 souls when in service and I thought to myself ‘well perhaps it’s time to ask Stranraer 1 if she is prepared to save one more soul, and have me move in for a while?’ keeping up all payments would literally sink me financially so I felt it would be ironic to keep things afloat by moving into my boat.
That was it, I decided I was going to leave and I popped my book, a romance novel which I couldn’t bear to look at given my current circumstances. And went off home to pack. Tom was at work all day so I should be able to make an escape without having to go through a scene or anything like that. I left briskly and got into my old Nissan Micra, heading for my house in St George, not a bad area but all we could afford due to current rental costs. I parked the car and ran to the front door. This would not take too long as I really didn’t have much to pack I mean after all; we had only lived together for 3 months, we still slept on a mattress on the floor for god sake, and this was his anyway. Only a suitcase of clothes, an Iron, Kettle, Toaster and a couple of other things and I would be on my way.
Packing the cases and a big black plastic bag I loaded the car, one Item at a time until all that was left was to leave and write a note saying goodbye and good riddance.
I tried I really did, to leave but I had a little devil inside of me that just refused to allow me to leave it and let him go so easily without really getting a chance to express my anger with his dam right disgraceful actions. Before I knew what I was doing I found myself standing in front of the wardrobe with a pair of scissors from the kitchen! Oops I said laughing to myself as I cut a leg of his suit trousers, It was so satisfying as I felt the cloth cutting through, as though with each cut I could feel my self respect being restored to it’s former self, I had no intention of stopping! I cut an arm of his shirts and de legged his jeans one by one until all were ruined. ‘What next’ I said outloud? Then it struck me that If I cut his shoe laces right at the bottom by the first lace hole, but hid the cut; he would be infuriated at least two times before he realised what I had done, so of I set, each cut providing me with ridiculous relief from the tension that had been building since Saturday morning.
It was over, I had to leave and let this all go. Time to get on with my life I thought an left a note simply saying ‘Thought screw you one last time! Yours Sarah’.
A week went past and then another, and before I knew it a month, I hadn’t heard anything other than Toms incessant texts which stopped after a few days. Typically, my Mum hadn’t called or anything, and you would think she might have been worried about me if she had been to the house? I decided to pop to her house and let mum know about everything that had gone on reassuring her that I would be fine on the boat, actually enjoying life more than I thought living on my own. My generator had run out of fuel so I decided to get the fuel can and fill it up on the way. I grabbed my mobile and stuffed it in my pocket and chucked the can in the boot of the car, plugged the Mobile into the charger in the car and set of. Mum only lives about 20 minutes away so it won’t take long, unless Bristol traffic is going to change my fate as it does so many times these days. Driving through town and onto the M32 as it was much easier to pop to mums house this way, she lives in Downend side of the city. When I arrived at mums, I was suddenly very nervous, I could see Tom’s car parked just outside. Hard to miss his BMW with his speed cam checker in the dash! I thought I would wait a few minutes and park in the next street until he left, easy to do as mum lives in a cul-de-sac and I wouldn’t miss him leave. I turned the car around and caught a glimpse of Tom hugging mum in the front room. I drove to the next street and waited for Tom to leave. Sure enough he left shortly after, about 15 minutes or so. I drove to mums house and knocked on the door, opening the door I said ‘Hi mum only me’ and she said Hi love come In I haven’t heard from you in an age, and Tom has just been here as he has been ringing us and we told him to pop round. Mum said she heard about what had happened from Tom about a week and a half ago and had decided to wait for me to ring her allowing me to have the space I needed.
Mum asked if I was going to get back together with Tom? I said ‘Mum are you joking?’ Tom had been out that Friday and had been with another woman. Mum said I was mistaken and Tom had explained that he was innocent in all of this and wanted to have me back. I said that Tom had been apologising to me about his indiscretion and I was justified in my actions, and although I was not sure of the exact situation with him and another woman, I was certain I was making the right decision. Mum became angry and brought up a situation from when I was a child and said that our neighbour had touched me near my bum, saying that I always jump to the wrong conclusion and it ruins my life and others around me. The situation mum raised had massive impact on my life, not only had a man touched me and groped very near my privates when I was just 13 years old, but my mum had completely disbelieved me when I asked for help and confided in her for it. I was calm at this point and simply said, ‘mum what happened back then was true, and you failed me then as you fail to support me know, I am going, I have made my choices and from this day forward I will continue to make my choices you see mum, I know what is best for me, and if you can’t accept that, then that is something perhaps you need to look at?’.
I left, and went back to the boat crying most of the way in the car. It was a cold but bright day and I filled up the generator and had a quick shower. Sitting on the side of the Harbour with my feet dangling over my boat I thought to myself that today was a completely fresh start and that I perhaps for the first time, found my confidence and voice and knew that from here on I would not let it go again. A text went off in my pocket and I unlocked my phone hoping it would not be just another Tom text I would have to delete, but it was from my mum, it read ‘
I am so sorry to have let you down not just today but ever! I love you more than any words I have to give; and simply want the best for you always.
Please could we meet for a chat?
Hi Mum I know of the perfect place to meet
There’s costa Coffee in town!
Shall we meet in say an hour?